Issue 68, April 2004
Ex Mad
©Jane Teresa Anderson, April 2004
"What did you dream last night?" he asks, cuddling up.
"Oh, nothing much," she replies, wondering how she can edit last night’s escapade into something a little more palatable for her partner. "Bits of the past. Bit muddled really. No, it’s gone already. Coffee?"
If only. She gets out of bed, her head reeling with yet another night on the dream tiles with her ex. She wouldn’t mind so much if the dreams were replays of their relationship, the struggles, the disagreements or the differences. Instead, while she sleeps entwined with the man she is about to marry, her dreams are spent in blissful accord with her ex.
"It’s driving me mad," she confided. "I love my fiancé and I’m so over my ex, so why is this happening to me?"
Ex dreams and sexy ex dreams are right up there in the top ten Frequently Asked Questions – no, Frequently Whispered Questions – confided to me as a dream analyst. So what do they mean?
How often do your ex-s feature in your dreams? Are some more common visitors than others? Make a list of the ex-s you still dream about. Beside each name, write three words to describe that person’s approach to life or personality. For example, you might write: Ben - driven, dependable, humourless. Then write the opposites to these words. In this case perhaps: unmotivated, unreliable, funny. Finally add one or two words to describe anything still unresolved about the break-up. For example, you might add to Ben’s list: we never said goodbye to each other.
We are often attracted to people who have opposite traits to ourselves, seeking balance in the other person. Equally as often we choose partners who are similar to ourselves, enjoying a sense of comfort, understanding and endorsement. After the initial physical attraction, a relationship usually only develops where there are strong similarities or opposites. Neutral ground is uninspiring, apparently. The passions and harmonies of opposites and similarities entice.
If you look back over a number of ex relationships you may notice a rebound or seesaw effect. You may follow a relationship founded on opposites with one based on similarities. After a two-year relationship with an extrovert you might be more attracted to a period of mutual navel gazing. Can you see a seesaw pattern in your past relationships?
Then add in that other well-known relationship-shaping factor: your opposite-sex parent. Apply the same formula to your opposite sex parent as you remember them when you embarked on your first relationship. Write down the three words to describe their approach to life or personality then write down the opposites to those words. Finally add one or two words to describe anything that was unresolved in your relationship with that opposite sex parent when you began your first relationship. Does this throw light on the choices you made when you entered your first serious relationship?
What has all of this got to do with dreams? Everything!
Every night our dreams try to make sense of our experiences in the world, comparing them to the past and projecting forward into the future. They highlight our conflicts, especially our unresolved inner conflicts and look at ways of resolving them. Where you are seesawing or swinging from one extreme to another on an issue your dreams look at ways to find a balance point between extremes. They search your memory for perfect symbols to make their point. So, let’s imagine you’ve experienced a run of relationships with people who are either excessively driven (e.g. Ben) or unmotivated (e.g. Ian). You’ve probably been attracted to them because you have your own issues with drive and motivation, perhaps stemming from your opposite sex parent’s approach to life. Living at the extreme achieves little in the long term. You achieve more in every sense when you find a balance point between the two: drive, replenish, drive, replenish. Whenever your dreams are dealing with this, they are likely to illustrate the point with Ben, or Ian, or both.
So your dreams are not about Ben, or Ian, or anyone else. They’re about you – and your own issues.
Whenever old unresolved issues get in the way of your current life, your dreams may again introduce those perfect symbols: Ben to symbolise “never said goodbye” (the need to express grief or find closure), for example.
Make your lists and take a couple of days to contemplate opposites, similarities and unresolved issues and to notice seesaw patterns in your relationships. Then imagine you are your own dream director, casting your ex-s in perfect roles. Come up with your personal dream dictionary meanings for your ex-s. For example, you might decide Ben symbolises "the way I drive myself too hard to avoid dealing with grief" or "my inability to find closure in my business, so I keep driving it harder".
The rest depends on what else happens in your dreams, so you’ll need to sharpen your dream analysis skills and do the detective work. Taking the example of Ben, if you dream you are extremely angry with him, then you may be releasing your own anger with yourself for all those times you have driven yourself too hard. If you dream of Ben’s death then you may be witnessing the death of your old drive-hard attitude. If you dream of embracing Ben or having an enjoyable sexual encounter with him then you may either be acknowledging your tendency to embrace extreme drive or your dream may be helping you to forgive and love yourself for all that you have believed and been. The details of the rest of the dream provide the necessary insight.
It takes a bit of brainwork to begin with, but it’s the key to getting those ex dreams out of the closet and into perspective. Next time you withhold an ex dream from your partner remind yourself the dream was about you, not about your ex. If your partner understands this you may wish to share your dream and reap the insights together. If you are looking for a new partner you are in a perfect space to find that balance point where your soul mate awaits you.
Jane Teresa Anderson
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