Issue 77, January 2005
Children's Nightmares
©Jane Teresa Anderson, January 2005
Do you remember any of your childhood dreams? How many of those were frightening nightmares? Did you share your dreams with your parents? What did they say? How did they help you? How many kept recurring?
What about the small children in your life? Do they confide in you about their dreams? What do you say? How can you help them, especially with their terrifying nightmares?
What frightens young children most is that they believe their dreams are real, so you might think the best thing to do is to reassure your child that their nightmare is “only a dream, nothing real”, and then try to settle them back to sleep, but it’s not. Your child’s dream was a very real experience, especially emotionally, so being told that it was not real is very confusing for her. She may hold back from sharing other emotional experiences with you in the future if she feels they may not be validated by you.
Unfortunately this approach also has the long-term effect of reducing a child’s dream recall as an adult. What you are really doing is saying, “Dreams are not important, so turn off the recall”. You are also giving the message to your child that her fears are to be dismissed as not real rather than faced and dealt with.
As an adult you know that it is better to face your fears than to bury your head in the sand. You know that fears don’t go away, in fact they grow bigger and more worrying the more you try to ignore them. When you turn and face an issue that has been fearful for you your fear diminishes and you find solutions to the problem. You become more empowered to live a whole life rather than to hide from parts of it. When you acknowledge your child’s fear after a nightmare and help her by following the practical steps below, what you are really doing is teaching your child, in a loving and supportive way, to face her fears. You are giving her a wonderful gift that will empower her through her childhood and adulthood.
Dreams are the result of our dreaming brain working to make sense of our daily experiences. Your child’s nightmare is part of the process of trying to make sense of her world. When you can both talk about her dream – especially when you, the parent, understand a little more about what her dream means – you can help her to overcome her natural and normal fears around her everyday life experiences. By repressing dream recall you are both missing out on a wonderful opportunity for her to grow into her world with more ease and wisdom.
PRACTICAL STEPS
If your child cries out, obviously having a nightmare, don’t touch her or wake her up. Stay with her to reassure yourself that she is okay. In the morning, ask her if she remembers any dreams.
If she doesn’t remember her dream, just let it be. But do take some time to think about what changes might be happening for her and what stresses she might be facing. These changes and stresses may be contributing to the fears that her nightmare is processing. See if you can ease the changes or stresses.
If she does wake up frightened during or just after her nightmare, sit with her, hug her and then reassure her that everyone dreams and some dreams are scarier than others just as some fairy stories or television shows are scarier than others. If she is very wakeful, ask her to describe her dream. Ask her lots of “how did you feel?” questions, such as “how did you feel when you saw the monster?” Empathise with her, “Oh, you must have been so frightened”. Tell her you know some good tricks to stop nightmares and some fun games to play in the morning. Tell her that she is safe to go back to sleep now.
If she is not so wakeful after her dream, leave asking her to describe her dream until the morning.
In the morning – or as soon as you can – set aside some time to play those fun games.
This is what to do:
1. Help your child to draw her dream (or, for example, the monster in her dream, or the tidal wave, or the fire), or help her to paint her dream, to act it out in dress-up clothes or to use play dough or other art materials to express her dream. Make it a story telling time and make sure she knows that because you are there she is completely safe. Make it a bit like telling a fairy story. This helps her to share her dream with you, safely, while also seeing that dreams are like stories and play-acting – something familiar.
2. Next comes the important step and it is this: Help your child to work out a better ending for her dream. For example, you might suggest that the monster takes off his monster suit and turns into a good fairy who is ready to grant her next wish, or you might suggest she waves a magic wand at the tidal wave making it shrink into a little puddle, or you might suggest that she picks up a hose and puts out the fire very easily, saving the building or whatever was burning.
What you are doing here is helping your child to face her fear and use her natural powers to transform her fears. You are showing her that it is empowering to face your fears because we all have a wonderful ability to find solutions when we have the courage to face our fears.
3. The next thing to do is to help your child to draw, paint, act or play-dough the NEW dream – the one with the happy ending.
Practice the new story until she is clear and happy with it.
Tell her that if her dream ever comes again, she can change it in exactly the same way! Tell her this is very easy to do and go over the changed ending with her yet again. It IS actually very easy to do. As adults we find it more difficult to change the ending of a recurring nightmare because we don’t believe it can be that easy, but your child will take their new power for granted and be very likely to change the nightmare into a dream with a happy ending should it come up again.
Will it come up again? What are the chances?
It is likely that the dream with the **changed** ending will come up as your child’s dreaming mind will reflect the new processes she has learned. It’s a consolidation – a good sign. It is unlikely that the nightmare will repeat in its original form, but if it does, repeat the same steps, perhaps finding a simpler happy ending.
The next thing is for you, the parent, to begin to look at what your child’s nightmare or dream may mean. The more you can understand her dream, the more you can understand your child. You will also then be able to see what you can do to help your child grow through her fears.
You can read a more detailed version of this new article including examples of children’s common nightmares, what they mean and how to work with them, HERE.
In the meantime, the more you can make going to bed a peaceful and happy routine, the more likely your child will sleep well. Quiet time (a peaceful story instead of watching television) and perhaps even wishing her happy dreams, helps in making sleep - and dreams – a time to look forward to for everyone.
May 2005 bring you plentiful unbroken sleep and many inspirational dreams.
Jane Teresa Anderson
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