Issue 92, April 2006
B-Rated
©Jane Teresa Anderson, April 2006
"Sara was my best friend through school, my soul sister, and I loved her to bits,"explained Amy, "so why is she always so nasty to me in my dreams?"
It’s a common scenario, but to help Amy I needed a little more background. "How nasty is nasty?" I asked.
"Mostly she ignores me, or whispers loudly to other people that I’m useless, a waste of time, not worth bothering about. She taunts me, making me angry. She treats me horribly in these dreams, but I follow her group around, hoping they’ll let me join in. The dreams are always different, but in each one Sara taunts and I grovel after her, desperate to be acknowledged and included. Sometimes they let me in, or give me a task to do, but just when I begin to feel good about myself, they berate me again. It’s as if they only let me in to make me feel worse when they dump me."
How old do you think Amy is? She sounds young, doesn’t she? Her recurring dream theme concerns childlike scenarios: wanting to join in with the group, being spurned, not knowing how to handle the situation other than to bear the rebukes, always walking into the same trap and never learning from the experience. Amy is in her mid-sixties. She’s been having this dream for forty five years.
"When did you last see Sara?" I asked.
"I saw her thirty-five years ago. She was the lead dancer in the national ballet. I was in the audience. She didn’t know I was there. I didn’t go and see her backstage either. I’d been having the dream for ten years by then, and I was unsure of my feelings for Sara. I wanted to believe she was still loving and kind, but my dreams were so real that I didn’t want to risk losing all those good memories if she had changed her feelings towards me."
"And before that?" I asked.
"The last time we were together was when we were eighteen," began Amy. "It was our farewell party. We had finished school and we were both leaving town. I was going to Art College. Sara had been accepted into the ballet. It was her dream come true." Amy paused and fiddled with her bracelet. "Art College was my dream come true too," she continued, "only I let my dream down. Unlike Sara."
"What happened?" I asked.
"Life got in the way," she smiled. "You know, parties, men, too many late nights, not enough completed assignments. Then my dream changed. Travelling the world seemed more exciting."
"Did you travel, and was it more exciting?" I asked.
"It was very exciting until I got to India," Amy reminisced. "I was only half way through my dream trip, but I met a guru and my dream changed. I stayed in India for the next two years, studying yoga. I loved it. It reminded me of my school years dancing with Sara. Anyway, I signed up for a three year yoga course. I did two."
"And then the dream changed?" I asked, catching the theme.
"That’s been the shape of my life," Amy grinned, "chasing one dream after another, but it’s been a great life. I wouldn’t have missed it for all the tea in China – or India, come to that!"
"Did every dream get waylaid?" I asked. "Did you ever finish anything you committed to?"
"Never commit to anything, I say," beamed Amy. "Follow your heart wherever it leads."
"Where has it led you?" I asked.
"To a place where I am happy, but …" Amy wavered, her mouth trembling. "I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was going to cry," she choked. "Talking about all this with you now, I feel a strange, deep disappointment with myself. What happened to all my dreams? Why didn’t I become an artist, a travel writer, a yoga instructor or any of the other goals I kicked out of touch along the way?"
"Why didn’t you?" I asked.
"Because I didn’t have the staying power, the discipline. I guess you could say I didn’t want any of the dreams enough to fight for them. I thought I was following my heart, and I was, but my heart was beating the coward’s retreat. I was running away from my dreams, saving myself from …", Amy paused again, struggling to understand the picture that was beginning to appear before her. "I was saving myself from the shame of not being good enough," she finally sobbed.
"Not good enough?" I asked.
"My mother was horrified when I announced, as a teenager, that I wanted to go to Art College and become an artist," Amy began, shaking her head in disbelief that this story was emerging at his stage in her life. "We weren’t well off like Sara’s family, and girls of my class weren’t expected to go to college in those days, let alone study to become an artist. All Mum could say was how would I earn a living as an artist, even imagining they could raise the funds to send me to college. I see so clearly now. My dream came at a cost. Sara’s family were richer. Sara could go to study ballet and if she didn’t become a star then that would have been okay. If I didn’t earn a living as an artist, if it turned out that I wasn’t good enough, then I’d be letting my mother down, proving her fears to be right."
"So where did following your heart lead you?" I asked again.
"My heart saved me from ever knowing whether I would be good enough as an artist to earn a living. Or good enough as a travel writer, yoga instructor or anything else really," Amy laughed, beginning to see the funny side. "My heart saved me from disappointing my Mum, even though she’s no longer on this earth."
"You’re still dancing to your Mum’s tune, then?" I asked.
"Amazing, isn’t it?" Amy shook her head in wonder. "Now I’ll never know. Would I have been good enough as an artist to earn my way?"
"Is it too late to find out?" I asked.
"No!" laughed Amy. "I’ve a few decades in me yet and suddenly I feel a new confidence, a new zest. There’s nothing to stop me, is there?"
"Not now," I replied. "You won’t hear any more taunting voices in your dreams, telling you you’re useless, a waste of time, not worth bothering about. After all, those were YOUR inner thoughts all along, you know. Sara stuck with her dream. She risked being good enough, and she was a star. In your dreams, Sara is the part of yourself that might have been the star – that might still be the star. She’s the part of yourself you have ignored. No wonder she’s cross with you! No wonder she berates you for not being good enough. No wonder she taunts you. She may look like Sara in your dreams, but it is the ghost of Sara’s courage that taunts you for being chicken."
"So," began Amy, "what you’re saying is, I’ve set Sara up as my ultimate critic. I see Sara as the success that I could have been, if I’d had the courage, and I’m holding myself to blame for not living up to that ideal."
"You’re berating yourself, giving yourself a B-rating instead of the A-rating you’re entitled to," I joked.
"A B-lame rating," added Amy, "guilty as charged."
"One other thing," I added, "you said that in your dreams Sara’s group would sometimes let you in and then, just when you began to feel good about yourself, they would b-rate you again. You said it felt like they only let you in to make you feel worse when they dumped you. Sound familiar?"
"I’m getting the picture," Amy breathed softly. "Do you mean, whenever I begin a new project I stay committed until I begin to feel good enough and then I get out quick, before I risk finding out just how good I can be? Could it be – surely not – could it be that I don’t finish things just to make myself feel even worse when I dump them? Like, I make sure I’m not only not good enough, but I get further from the possibility each time I walk away?"
"What do you think?" I asked.
"I think it’s time for me to B A-star," Amy concluded. "A star in my own galaxy, for my own delight, without regard to anyone else’s hopes and fears. As long as I enjoy the dance, who cares about the critics?"
POST SCRIPT
Dream Tip 1
Always remember, people in your dreams represent your own beliefs and feelings, not their own, so rather than be hurt or upset by another person’s actions in your dreams, ask yourself what you can learn about yourself from the way your dreaming mind presents this person. In Amy’s case, her dreaming mind presented Sara as her inner critic, berating her for not being good enough and causing her to give up too many projects along the way. Self knowledge is power.
Dream Tip 2
Did you see how my very simple questions, based on Amy’s dream, led her to discover some deep, basic inner truths? Too often we roll along in life looking for answers, but forgetting that the right answers need the right questions. Dreams provide those right questions. Ask a friend to ask you questions about your dream – simple questions, like mine – and allow yourself to answer quickly and honestly. You’ll be amazed at what emerges.
Jane Teresa Anderson
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